If you’re wondering what a birth partner actually needs to do to be helpful, look no further!

5 ways to be an awesome birth partner…

“I just felt helpless- and really guilty for getting her into this position in the first place!”

“All you want to do is help, but there’s nothing you can do! I felt so useless!”

How many times have you heard the father or birthing partner say things like this? I’ve heard it so much, including from my own husband after the birth of our first child, Penelope.
It seems to be common, and even expected, that this is what birth partners do and feel. They mean well, but essentially, they’re just in the way. That’s just their role, isn’t it?

Absolutely not! Birth partners have been singled out by the pregnant woman as the person they trust more than anyone else, the person they are choosing to have with them at their most vulnerable, the person they will allow to witness the most awesome thing achievable by a human… I think anyone who has been chosen for this incredible job has clearly, in the eyes of mum at least, shown themselves to be capable of more than flapping around in a panic. So, how much of a difference can birth partners make? And what should they be doing?

To truly appreciate the role of the birth partner, let’s remind ourselves of a very important fact: you need to feel safe, relaxed, and unobserved to produce the hormone that triggers and keeps labour moving.

Who is better placed to know how to make mum feel safe and relaxed? The person they’ve personally selected to be their birth partner? Or the midwife who happens to be on shift when they go into labour?
Birth partners, or ‘guardians of oxytocin’ (oxytocin being that vital birth hormone) as I often call them, can do a huge amount to keep mum’s oxytocin levels high so that their body feels safe enough to continue to labour. Here are 5 things a birth partner can do to help mum feel safe and comfortable:

1. Birth environment

Whether mum’s planning to birth at home, in hospital, or in a birth centre, the birth environment is kind of a big deal, and birth partners, it’s kind of down to you. There are lots of things you can do to make even the most clinical setting more cozy and private for mum. Chat to the mum-to-be about what she would like and do some shopping beforehand so you have what you need. Don’t know where to start? Use the 5 senses as a checklist. Here are a few ideas for each one, can you think of any more?

• Sight: Turn the ‘big light’ off and put up fairy lights to instantly make the space feel more private. What would ordinarily cause mum to make that ‘awww cute’ noise? A photo of your older child? The tiny baby grow you have ready for your newcomer? A picture of a beloved family pet? All of these things can give mum a serious oxytocin boost, so get them where she can see them.
• Smell: Burn some essential oils or spray a room spray. Ideally, this will be a smell that she already likes and associates with being calm. Maybe she’s sprayed it whilst listening to hypnobirthing relaxation tracks during pregnancy. If so, such a smell could have the power to pull her back from feeling stressed into feeling calm again.
• Touch: Is she comfortable? Add/remove layers, provide a favourite blanket, move pillows around, be leaned against, offer massage, or a hand to hold.
• Sound: If you ever fancied yourself as a DJ, now’s your time to shine. Get the relaxing music playlist ready, and ensure her hypnobirthing relaxation audios are accessible. Again, ideally any music or relaxations have already been listened to a lot by mum whilst feeling calm, as this makes them more powerful in terms of pulling her back from stress into calm.
• Taste: Bring the drinks and snacks! (yes, for you, too!)

2. Write the birth plan

What? That’s mum’s job, no?!

Actually, you’re best off doing this together. Mum’s in charge. As it’s her birth, she obviously gets to decide what she wants. But you need to be there for the deliberating, hearing her thoughts, reasons, and ‘what ifs’, witnessing her decisions slowly being formed over many weeks. Why? Because knowing her end decision on things isn’t enough. In the birth room, if things aren’t going as you both expected, you not only need to know what she wants, but how much she wants it, and how important it is to her in relation to other things. Talk through choices before the day so you understand her reasons for wanting/not wanting certain things to happen and how strongly she feels about them. Thoroughly discuss them inside and out. Then on the day, and this is the crucial bit, communicate the plan to her caregivers and keep referring back to it, checking that things are happening in the way you know she wants them to happen. Of course, plans can change if mum wants them to, but until told otherwise, you’re an integral part of making the plan actually happen.

3. Block unnecessary distractions

There are times in labour when mum really doesn’t want to talk or be distracted from her work. She’s busy. Shielding her from any unnecessary chat could keep that oxytocin high and cut hours off the labour. Often a health professional may want to ask mum something- but can you find the answer in the birth plan and prevent this disturbance? For example, if mum has written ‘I don’t want any drugs’ and someone comes along to ask if she wants some gas & air, birth partners can simply point them to the plan and prevent mum being disturbed by the question. Mum may well decide that actually, some pain relief would be lovely, in which case, she’ll ask!

4. Be the go between

This is linked to number 3, but is important when the distraction can’t and shouldn’t be blocked. There may be times where medical professionals want to offer mum something that’s not on their plan and they feel there’s good reason to. Birth partners should ask all the relevant questions first, then present mum with a summary of what’s being offered, why, what the benefits and risks are, how quickly a decision needs to be made, etc. It saves mum using up valuable energy trying to ask all these questions herself. This will help her stay focused on the job in hand and will help prevent her from becoming stressed (stress will hinder labour significantly). This is all about keeping mum in control (giving her the facts she needs to make important decisions) whilst protecting her calm birthing environment.

5. Pack the hospital bag!

Most mums-to-be pack their own bag; suggest to them that they entrust this to you and watch their jaw drop and their eyes narrow into a death stare… but hear me out on this. Picture the scene… mum’s been in labour a significant amount of time and asks you for her lip balm. It’s a small thing but will make her feel loads better. You can’t find it.

‘Did you pack it?’

‘Yes! It’s in the front pocket!’

‘The big front pocket or the little one with the diagonal zip?’

‘The big one,’

‘it’s not there,’

‘try the little pocket inside the main bag,’

‘nope- is it this?’

‘No!’…

Mum has been in labour for hours, she’s powerful, she’s amazing, she’s absolutely bossing it. Can you just find the bloody lip balm?!

Chances are, you’re the one who’ll be looking for things on demand, so you should probably do the packing. Still not convinced? Ok how’s this: mum gets to lay out everything she wants on the bed, and birth partners put the stuff in the bag (with absolutely no comments about how unnecessary you feel something is, thank you very much!) That way mum has the peace of mind that everything she needs is packed, and you know where to find whatever you need in seconds.

So there you have it; just a few (and I have more!) suggestions of how birth partners can offer great support during labour. Far from being helpless figures pacing the floor, they are actually an integral part of the caregiving team.

How do I prepare to be a birth partner?

My hypnobirthing courses will give birth partners the knowledge and practical tools they need to be helpful, supportive, and an integral part of the birth. You’re learn:

• Practical ways to use touch, such as light touch massage and other techniques, to make mum more comfortable during labour.
• Feel confident about what each stage of labour is like and crucially, what you can do at each stage to help.
• Understand what sorts of decisions may come up during labour, and how to support your birthing person to make the right decision for them.
• Understand your role as advocate for your birthing person and learn what questions it’s important to ask, and how to do this in a way that maintains good relationships with your caregivers, keeping good vibes in the birth room!
• Lots more practical tips to help things run smoothly on the day.
• Most importantly of all, you’ve gain a deeper understanding of birth, which will increase your confidence in the whole process and allow you to actually think for yourself and know what your partner needs from you. Every birth is different, and some of my tips might go unused or even be tried and found to be unhelpful! (So don’t be offended if, after months of perfecting your light touch massage technique, you barely get three seconds in before you’re told to ‘get off!’ or something less polite!) But the knowledge you gain on this course will mean that you are truly ready to follow your partner’s lead and do what they need you to do to help them to relax and give birth.

Birth partners really can make a huge difference to how the birth goes, shaving hours off and reducing pain significantly – hypnobirthing will show you how!

If you’d like to feel prepared to be an awesome birth partner, join me for my next group hypnobirthing course!